A silly picture with my graphic design cohort. I'm on the far left with the smirk on my face.
Yesterday at 6 pm in the evening, I walked across the stage inside Sleep Train Arena (The home of our basketball teams, the Sacramento Kings...but for us lifelong Sacramentans, it used to be called Arco Arena and it will ALWAYS be called that) to show that I have completed years of grueling hard work, sleepless nights, moments of self-doubt (I still have those...more on that...), etc. It's hard enough to be a student, especially for those who also work and have a family of their own. It's also another level when you battle a disease and are limited to what you can or can't do.
For those of you who don't know, I started off at community college 8 years ago at Sacramento City College. I knew I had lupus then, but it was only towards the end of 2010 that I started having horrible flareups. That was during my first semester as a transfer to Sacramento State University. I think it was because I injured myself a couple of months prior when I was working at the campus bookstore and injured myself carrying the heavy textbooks, squatting in awkward positions and not using the moving dolly all the time. Then I started having severe joint pain for weeks. It wasn't until my doctor prescribed me with prednisone for the first time. It was the first time I felt back to normal again. It was heaven sent. My joints healed in a snap. But halfway through my prednisone taper, I decided, "I don't need this anymore, I'm better" which was a BIG mistake. I got extremely ill, all while adjusting to university classes and working part time. I had to quit that job because I started missing out from being sick and I had my first hospitalization on January 2011 (because of high fevers, a UTI and was diagnosed with lupus nephritis in addition to my SLE). When things couldn't get worse, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 3 months later. I was stunned.
I always wanted to be a graphic designer, but the program at my university is extremely competitive. During 2011, I decided not to apply because I had a lot of issues going on. In late 2011, I was completely dead inside and miserable. Then I had my first ministroke and seizure. I decided to take a semester off and go to speech therapy. I decided to apply for the program in 2012, but got rejected. I went back during the Fall 2012 semester and took more art and general ed classes. My dad's cancer started getting worse and his Tarceva and chemotherapy started failing. Then he passed away on February 7, 2013. I was in shock. I don't know what it was, but part of me still wanted to reapply for the program because I knew he knew that this was what I always wanted. He even encouraged me the year prior, that if I got rejected (which I did) to re-enter and not get discouraged. His words were so soothing. I knew I wanted to do something to make him proud. I had another seizure 2 weeks before I turned in my portfolio. But I still got accepted even though I thought my portfolio was nowhere near perfect, but it was probably because the professors recognized it and saw how much I improved, especially asking for critique during their office hours.
Even though it was what I have always wanted, I've had moments where I was severely depressed because I couldn't drive to class because of my seizures (except through towards the end of my 1st semester, and the last half of this semester). I always wondered, what was wrong with me, why do I have to have this sickness. So throughout me being depressed, it made me NOT want to do my homework even though I loved design...it was a never ending cycle. To top it off, I felt like a lot of my fellow classmates didn't like me. I mean they would talk to me sometimes, but I was never a part of their inner circle, so I decided to keep my distance. I've always felt socially awkward I guess even though I want to improve. I've always felt people didn't like me because of being bullied a lot in the past. Though towards the last semester, I started opening up slowly, especially as they congratulated me for getting engaged.
Whew! Sorry for the longwinded post. I like to write and reflect a lot on things. I guess I also want others to hear my story about how I got to where I am now (for those who aren't familiar with my blog). But here's the fun part: the pictures!
With my true friends, Rebecca, Nate and Jamie
With my family (mom, sisters and nieces)
I love this man so much. He has been with me since Day 1 at Sac City.
Everyone kept prodding us to do a kissy picture. I hate being teased (especially by my older sister or any relatives) so I tried to make it quick but they wanted a longer one). I loved how this one turned out especially with Jamie photobombing. I surprisingly posted this on Facebook. I have to get used to this kind of stuff especially because wedding.
With my future in-laws
I'm so thankful for the unconditional love and the strength of my mom. She has always supported my goals and managed to take care of us even while working. She has always encouraged me and believed me even when I didn't believe in myself.
Celebrating at Magliano's Italian restaurant. Excuse my prednisone moonface. I still have it at 10 mg.
Got some sweet gifts, such as alumni memorabilia.
We shared some Tiramisu!
So now...it's relieving that I'm over school. but it is bittersweet. I've spent the majority of my life in school, and now it's over. So what's next? The obvious answer is trying to look for a job. But as I've mentioned, I've always felt like my work wasn't good enough or up to par to find a job. I've needed external reassurance from others that I am competent or good enough. But I know that confidence has to come from within. And yeah, it's easy for others to say that you shouldn't compare yourselves to others but do you realize how hard it is? Especially when you've suffered from low confidence your whole life? But I won't give up no matter how hard it seems. Graduating and getting your degree doesn't mean you will stop learning. I still will keep learning and practicing my craft as I still apply for jobs. After all, you don't stop learning until you're 6 feet under the ground.
And...of course I am excited for this next chapter in my life because in 2 years I am marrying the love of my life, my best friend! How much more awesome is that?! We are already planning where we want our venue. I already contacted a planner and she said that people book that specific venue 3–18 months in advance. Since we want to have a May 2017 wedding, we plan on taking a tour on that specific venues (and other ones too) and then we will book in November, if that is the one we end up liking. But I really can't wait to spend my life with Cecilio. We love looking back during how things were at Sac City and how our little friendship bloomed, but we are keeping our eyes to the prize while we are just enjoying every little moment of being engaged in the process.
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